I wish you’d knew…

There are just so many things I wish to tell you, but whenever I tried, I choked up.. So I’ll try to sort it out through my writings.. Don’t worry dear, all I’ll say is not a bad thing, it’s just something that I wish you’d knew, something I couldn’t quite tell you right in front of you..

• that I secretly wish when I woke up every morning, there’ll be am morning message from you waiting, instead of me always being the one who do this.
• that I understand you never liked texting very much.
• that I had wished sometimes that you’ll just text me at some random times throughout the day, just to let me know you’ve been thinking of me.
• that I understand you will always be busy with your works and chores throughout the day and probably don’t have time for that.
• that I wished you’ll understand how much it pains me to feel your absence whenever I go everywhere.
• that how much I wish I was as lucky as you are to be away from so many places that we used to spent time together when we’re apart.
• that sometimes the places are what that keeps me going.
• that I am so envy of you for having so many activities to distracting you from having the time to feel my absence.
• that I am afraid to text with anyone else when we’re apart because I dread the disappointment of seeing the message wasn’t from you.
• that I tried so hard to keep myself busy but failed miserably.
• that I tried not to remember every details that you’ve said or promised because I gets my hopes up every easily for you.
• that I find myself very forgiving towards you when you forget your promises.
• that you can make me cry for hours and end it with just one phone call.
• that I am praying for you to make me stopping writing my diary on blue papers instead of purple.
• that I love how you’ll always solve my problems, let it be computers, gadgets or life, or just simply by being there.
• that I am still puzzled how you’ve blend so well with my dear friends but I liked it.
• that awkwardness hadn’t much crossed my mind when I introduced you to my friends, just a little shy.
• that I smiled whenever my mother mentions your name when you’re away.
• that I sometimes brought you up in my conversation with my mom, laughing at the silly things that you did, because it’s the only way to ease myself.
• that my heart breaks whenever mom asked when you’ll be back, because I can never answer.
• that I didn’t want to ask you when you’ll be back because I know it’ll pressure you.
• that I hate myself for not asking, because it’s an agony to go against all my will by not knowing when will we see each other next time.
• that for some reason, I feel bitter and sad when I saw pictures of you having so much fun with your classmates and members from your club.
• that I know your high school has been such a big and important part of your life, of YOU.
• that I find myself can never fit into that part of your world and it kills me.
• that I know I shouldn’t see more pictures of you in facebook with your classmates, knowing how helplessly sad I’ll be.
• that I still couldn’t resist from seeing them because I really wish to know more about you in that important part of your life, the ‘you’ in high school.
• that I know you’re very protective towards what you have in high school and sometimes you’ve pushed me away.
• that I had a very bad nightmare last time and it chills me to the bone.
• that I know we will always have arguments and obstacles in future, I am scared yet I am excited because I knew we’ll make it through.
• that I wish I can hold your palm now and feel you gripping back.

oh Darling I wish you were here …

With hope,

KC