I have not been feeling well these few days, headache and cold are lethal concoction and they make you extra grumpy, at least me. So, my solution is to silence myself throughout the whole way to my grandma's place. It's suprising how seeming and being can be so different, I might seem idle at the time, but my mind was going into overdrive. There's something missing here, and I am feeling the consequences. So, yes, I AM having a lousy day.
I walked into the old folks home where my grandma stays, going pass a security guard who was sitting there, half asleep. I'll skip to the part where I can finally leave. My dad went up to the security guard to pass him a mandarin orange and they started to chat for a while. Through my congested thoughts, I overheard their talk. The security guard seem a little past his seventies, and he is an Indian. Th sparkle in his eyes caught my attention and now I notice they were talking about his young days. He was in British army for 9 years before becoming a postman for another 25 years. He even acted out the salute, in which his feet thumps the floor with such professional gesture, like he's been doing it his whole life. He keeps on talking about his days in the army and the sparkle in his eyes became more brilliant, so brilliant until it made the wrinkles on his face fade in its brilliance.. I can imagine how his younger days were like. The loneliness and sorrow when I first saw him were gone, replaced by pride and glory. His wife have been fighting diabetes for quite a while but he's optimism was what that kept him going, i guess. Right before we left, he said "it's life, take it easy"..
[ sometimes, it IS life, that's why we take it so seriously, until it makes our everyday so hard to live by.. maybe he was right, we should just take it a little easier, things will fall into places, it just need some time.. ]
That short talking lead me to another morning session with a uncle. He sometimes would join me and my dad for breakfast. That morning, we were talking about natural phenomenan and he told us he had his own accountance. He said it was his eldest son. I was totally taken aback. I didn't know he had lost one of his children but I didn't let my thought show. I listened on... He said something fell while he was out, and the fallen item were far too brittle to be able to withstand the fall. One of which was a toy car. Subconciously, I was thinking about a million reasons why did it happen but then, I saw hope in his eyes. Of course he does, losing someone was never easy to cope with. So, human find every little occurence that could prove the presence of soul or even ghost of their loved ones to hang on to, just to make the grieving a little easier. There was no reason for me to burst his hope by trying to explain the unexplainable. So, I listened on... He kept on repeating the fact that those fallen items never could have withstand the force of the fall and that it must be his son showing him that he was back. The uncle was reinforcing his belief by repeating it over and I can see, once again, sparkle in his eyes.
[ i guess in our lives, there will always be something that clings close to your heart, and that whenever you mention about it, your eyes sparkle, you cheek blushes and you grin.. maybe the one thing might change as you move on to different phases of life, but at any point of life, there WILL be that something special. ]
As for me, for now, I finally can point a finger at what has been missing from me, it's him. I have been missing him and not having the one thing close to your heart around, that is what that made you lost.
I went by routes that we used to go by together and memories went gushing in. At one point, I was overwhelmed by those memories. All those familiar places and my helpless desperation to go back to the past transfer me to another place, another time. Time when those memories were taking place.
I become suddenly so expressive and unfearful to let out my feeling..Probably it was the effect of a novel I've been reading. Life is short, it's too short to keep on waiting and too little to take it so seriously. It's time to do what you want, say what you think.. Who knows, maybe I'll be gone at the least expected timing.
- Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why they call it present - "Kung Fu Panda"
Seize the moment, tell the one you like you like her.
[ the place where he'll pass by whenever he's here.. it grasp my heart tight whenever I was anywhere around it without him by my side ]
PS : these are the wooden clips and my very-messy workstation
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